Tag Archives: Divorce

Gray Divorce

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Gray DivorceAccording to this New York Post article, the divorce rate for those over 50 has risen from about 10 percent in 1990 to 25 percent today.  The phenomenon is widespread enough that it even has a name:  “gray divorce.”  Experts theorize a number of reasons that this might be happening:

  • Longer, healthier life spans lead older people to believe there’s still time to start over
  • Older people are more likely to be on their second or third marriages, which are more prone to divorce
  • Higher expectations for marriage
  • Perception that it’s easier to get divorced than it was in the past
  • Less sense of shame about divorce makes couples less inclined to “stick it out” after the children have left the home.

Whatever the reasons for the trend, there are unique considerations that attorneys and their “gray divorce” clients should take into account.  Unlike many younger couples, for whom custody and child-rearing issues are often paramount, for older divorcees the most important issue is often assets, and the strategic division of those assets is very important for their retirement years.  It is important to divide pensions, insurance policies, and real estate, while hopefully ensuring that each spouse will have money to live on in the “twilight years.”

For couples with fewer assets, divorce can cause financial strain that may mean one or both spouses become partially dependent on their children or the government.  Couples over 50 are more likely to have estate planning already in place as well.  If so, it may be necessary to revisit wills, life insurance, trusts, bequests, and other end-of-life documents to ensure that assets and decision-making power will still be distributed according to each ex-spouse’s wishes after divorce.

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Beating the Odds in Remarriage

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Remarriage statisticsMost Americans have probably heard that the national divorce rate is somewhere between 40 and 50 percent.  We’re used to that scary number.  But many who haven’t been through a remarriage might not know that the divorce rate for remarriages is even higher.  I recently encountered an article in the Huffington Post, citing a divorce rate of 60 to 67 percent for second marriages (at least one spouse married before) and 70 to 73 percent for third marriages (at least one spouse married twice before).  Those are rough odds, and to the uninitiated, it may seem counterintuitive.  Those who remarry should be older and wiser, and should know themselves and their needs better, right?  They’ve been down the road of marriage before, so shouldn’t they understand the stakes and the pitfalls?

All of that may be true, but there are also a number of complicating factors that uniquely threaten remarriages.  The HuffPost article addresses a number of psychological factors that may play a role, such as fear of being alone and looking for a quick fix after a difficult divorce.  Possibly the biggest complication is dealing with children and challenging exes on one or both sides of the new family.  Those who have successfully blended families know that it takes a lot of love, patience, and hard work.

The point of knowing and sharing the statistics about remarriage is not to throw cold water on post-divorce relationships or second and third marriages.  It’s simply to note how important it is to think about the realities of remarriage for you and your situation.  What factors in your life are likely to make things different this time around?  How will you and your next spouse deal with those things together?  Nobody wants to visit a divorce lawyer at all, much less for more than one case in a lifetime.  It takes courage and thoughtfulness to start over, so take your time and address the challenges honestly so that you can beat the odds the next time around.

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Be Careful About What You Remove From Social Media, Too

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Social Media Perils

There is a seemingly endless stream of problems that can arise from social media and technology when it comes to divorce and family law.  If you have spoken with a family lawyer lately, you likely heard a warning to be very careful about what you put on the internet.  That is an important rule of thumb always, but especially if you are involved in a divorce or custody case.  It is also important to be careful about how you search for information about the activities of a spouse or others.

This is becoming such an important topic that a few hundred North Carolina family lawyers recently met in Greensboro specifically to learn about the criminal and civil liabilities that can arise for ourselves and our clients from various digital activities.  The program addressed a number of the topics, some of which I’ve addressed in earlier blog posts, but one important additional topic is “spoliation.”  Spoliation of evidence is the legal term for when someone deletes or destroys evidence that is potentially relevant in a case.

If a party in a divorce or other family law matter intentionally deletes social media posts, for example, because they might be damaging to the case, that person might be guilty of spoliation.  The party, and his or her lawyer if the lawyer advised it, can be sanctioned or otherwise in trouble with the court.  At the beginning of a case, a lawyer will often send a “spoliation letter” to the opponent or anyone else who has relevant evidence, warning them to preserve the evidence that must be turned over.  This is another reason to be very cautious about what you share online — you may not be able to delete it in the future without causing significant problems.

So, if you are concerned about things you may have posted online in the past, be very careful about “cleaning up” your Facebook page or deleting old Tweets and emails.  You may cause yourself bigger problems if you get caught destroying evidence.  Think twice before you post anything online, and if you are in the middle of a case and are worried about your social media presence, talk to your lawyer about your concerns.

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6 Reasons Why You Need a Separation Agreement

This is a great article advising NC couples on why they are likely to need a separation agreement, even if they think it might be unnecessary.  Even if you and your (soon-to-be former) spouse expect to keep things civil and cooperative through your split, there may be important reasons to protect yourself with a separation agreement. 

Legal Separation in North Carolina

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Separating from spouse

People often seem to be confused about the process of separating from a spouse.  The requirements for marriage, divorce, and other family law matters are determined by state law, rather than federal law.  Therefore, the laws on these issues vary dramatically from state to state.  Movies, media, and even the experiences of friends in other states therefore often mislead and confuse people about how to legally separate from a spouse in North Carolina.

In North Carolina, in order to get an absolute divorce on the grounds of separation (which is most common), a couple must have been separated for a period of one year.  There is no need to prove fault or obtain a court decree.  Separation simply means that the couple physically lives separate and apart — not under the same roof.  At least one of the parties must intend to cease cohabitation — the intent of the other spouse is irrelevant to the claim.  In North Carolina, there is no need to show that both parties agreed to the separation or to have a decree of the court declaring that they have separated.  After a year has passed since the couple stopped cohabiting, either party can secure an absolute divorce upon proof that the couple has been separated for the statutory period of one year.  Once that is proven, neither spouse can contest the divorce, as long as all other technical requirements have been met.

Even if you have been separated for a year, however, talk with a lawyer before filing for absolute divorce to ensure that you do not forfeit any important claims that may be available in your case.

New Resources for Coparenting

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Successful CoparentingIf you are raising kids after a divorce, you don’t need to be told that even in the best situations, coparenting can be difficult.  In addition to the kids and two parents involved, there are often step-parents, grandparents, extended family, lawyers, parenting coordinators, mediators, court officials, and teachers who have an interest in how your family functions.  In addition, there are the practical issues that arise from coordinating two households, following a court order, sharing expenses, and keeping up with busy schedules.  Add in the emotional components that each family member brings to the situation, and it can be a very trying way to live at times.  As complicated as all of this can be, thousands of families do it (successfully) every day.  They do their best, because they all share a love for the kids at the center of the coparenting relationship.

There are new resources available today to help parents tackle the practical challenges of sharing their children.  Lots of families utilize Google’s shared calendars, and email and text messaging can help high-conflict parents communicate with less arguing.  Even better for many families, there are now online low-cost subscription services that provide a myriad of tools designed specifically to facilitate coparenting.

I learned about one of these services, KidsOnTime, on Twitter this week.  After perusing their website and brochures, I am excited about the range of tools available for my clients and other divorced coparents.  KidsOnTime costs $10 per month for all parents (and step-parents, grandparents, etc), and the tools available include:

  • Online calendar
  • Parent-to-parent messenger
  • Wellness center, for sharing special memories and getting parenting resources
  • Money manager
  • Digital diary
  • Family essentials, which keeps current medical and other important info in one central place
  • Schoolwork planner.

The creators of this service seem to really understand how coparents need to share information, and having it all centralized in one place can help parents focus more on the kids, rather than the logistics.  And they’re not the only ones.  A quick internet search shows that there are other similar services out there, such as Our Family Wizard.  If you are in a high-conflict coparenting situation or would simply like to keep things more organized and smooth between two households, consider whether one of these services might be worth trying for your family.

Wrapping Up on Snooping: Nanny Cams

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Nanny CamsTo wrap up this series of blog posts on spying on your spouse, let’s talk about “nanny cams.”  The use of secret video recording, or at least discussion of it, is prevalent today.  You might be wondering then, given all of the legal limitations on other forms of snooping that we’ve discussed, how nanny cams can be legal.  Using hidden cameras, however, does not in fact violate the wiretapping statutes that we have addressed in other blog posts.

The use of nanny cams is in fact permissible, because the rules about video recordings are different from rules about voice and telephone recordings.  Our federal and state wiretapping laws only apply to the interception of oral communication.  This is why nanny cams (the legal ones, anyway) do not have audio recording features.  It is generally okay to record video without an audio feed in your own home, without the consent of the person being video taped.  If you own the property, or have permission from someone who owns the property, it is most likely permissible to place an inconspicuous video recorder to determine what is going on in your home.

Summing Up:  Snooping on Your Spouse

We have addressed a number of ways in which you might be legally able to check up on your spouse’s activities.  With all of the technology available to us today, it is easy to indulge your insecurities or give in to your suspicions and start checking up on your loved one.  Sometimes snooping is reasonable and warranted; sometimes it is unjustified and invasive.  Just because you could legally snoop through some of your spouse’s communications, does not mean that it is the right or healthy thing for you or your relationship.  Before you start spying, think it through — what are the likely effects on you, your family, and your relationship if someone (especially your spouse) finds out that you distrust your spouse enough to start snooping?

Snooping should only be undertaken with care, from both a legal perspective and a personal one.  Legally, there are limitations and complex considerations involved with some types of snooping.  To be certain that you do not violate federal or state statutes and expose yourself to civil or criminal liability, it is always best to talk with a lawyer before spying on your spouse.  Also, just because a method of getting information is legal, does not mean that the information you gather can be used in court.  So take into consideration whether the breach of trust will be worthwhile if you cannot prove in court what you find out from snooping.  Finally, consider your personal well-being and the strength of your relationship.  If your gut is telling you that even legally permissible snooping is a bad idea in your situation, listen to it!  Think honestly about the source of your doubts and how you and your partner can address them…and hopefully avoid the need for a divorce lawyer altogether.

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The Right Questions to Be Asking in Family Law

Click the link above to read a to-the-point article that gives smart advice about questions that you might be pondering if you are going through a divorce, especially with kids.  Be sure to brainstorm and keep a list of important questions and topics that you want to review with your lawyer before your next meeting.  Lawyers can’t read minds — if an issue is important to you, bring it up so that we can help you address it.

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How to Help Your Attorney Help You in Family Law

This is a really insightful article from About the Children with really smart advice about how to work with your lawyer to make things go as smoothly as possible in your case.  The keys to a good, productive attorney-client relationship are respect and honesty.  Making sure your attorney has all of the information he or she needs, even if it could be damaging to your case, is very important.