Tag Archives: Parent

Ten Tips for Holiday Co-Parenting

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Holiday Co-Parenting

For newly-separated or divorced parents, the holidays can be especially tough.  For kids with two households, this time of year means lots of shuffling back and forth, possibly feeling torn between parents, extended families, and old traditions.  Adjusting to life after separation takes its toll on everyone around the holidays:  kids, parents, grandparents, in-laws, and friends.  Here are some ideas to make the holidays easier for you and your kids after separating:

  1. Start your planning for the season by rereading your parenting or custody agreement — what do its provisions on holiday scheduling say?  Who is scheduled to have the children and when this year?  Whether it is very specific or leaves some room for compromise, know what the agreement says, because it is your fallback if you and your ex disagree about the holiday schedule.
  2. Accept that your request to change the arrangements in the custody agreement is just that — a request.  Be prepared for the other parent to say “no” if your plans don’t fit with their scheduled time.  Compromise is great, but each parent is within his or her rights to make plans and stick to them for their scheduled parenting time.  Don’t punish each other for making holiday plans and wanting to keep them.
  3. Schedule a time to discuss each parent’s holiday priorities calmly and without the children around.  Think about what events are most important to you (and the kids) and talk calmly with your ex about how you can coordinate the schedule to make as many of those important events as possible happen this year.  Again, be prepared to give as much consideration as you get.  While you’re talking, go ahead and coordinate on the kids’ Christmas lists too — who will give what to whom?
  4. Compromise is the name of the game in co-parenting generally, and particularly during the holidays.  This time of year is all about family togetherness, and that can get very sticky when children now have two families.  The most constructive solution is to remember to make the children the focus and show them how you and your ex can work together to make sure that everyone still has a good time.
  5. Don’t negotiate the schedule in front of the kids.  Particularly if the separation is new, parents can easily get emotional and territorial about sharing the children this time of year.  It’s hard on kids too, so make it easier by shielding them from the discussion.  Work out the schedule between the two of you (and your significant others, if applicable), and present a united front to the children about the holiday schedule.
  6. You are the parents, you determine the schedule.  Don’t ask your children to choose which house or family they prefer on certain days — that puts them in the middle and tests their loyalty to each side of the family.  You know your kids and which events mean the most to them.  Work together to decide where and when they will spend time with each of you.
  7. Be flexible with the way you think about holidays.  If the kids are going to be travelling with your ex on Thanksgiving Day, plan to fix all of their favorite Thanksgiving recipes from your side of the family and celebrate on Saturday when they are back with you.  Be open to celebrating Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and even Christmas day on alternative days rather than the “day of” when the kids are with their other parent on the actual day.  The kids probably don’t care about the actual date, they’re just happy to celebrate again with you.
  8. Make new traditions that the children will remember and look forward to.  Change is inevitable after divorce, and some beloved traditions may no longer work for your family.  Look for ways to incorporate new traditions for everyone to cherish.
  9. Make plans for your time without the kids.  When your children are with your ex on a holiday, you could certainly be forgiven for feeling lonely and bitter.  Don’t sit alone and stew, make plans to spend the holiday with friends and family.  Of course you’ll miss your children, but try to look at the day as an opportunity to reconnect with your other loved ones, free from the distractions of looking after the kids.
  10. Be gentle with yourself and your family — adjustment is hard and takes time.  Again, holidays are about family, and it is just plain old hard sometimes to adjust to sharing your family.  Remember that it’s probably just as hard for your ex.  Give yourself some leeway if you get frustrated or lash out.  Apologize, move on, and stay focused on the children.
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Coping with Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is behavior by one parent in a hostile co-parenting situation that causes “a child to be mentally manipulated or bullied into believing a loving parent is the cause of all their problems, and/or the enemy, to be feared, hated, disrespected  and/or  avoided.” (See www.paawareness.org for more info.)  Unfortunately, this damaging behavior is probably more common than most of us would expect.  Parents who are on the receiving end of this type of behavior can face very difficult circumstances.  Click the link above to read an article with thoughtful tips to help parents deal with parental alienation.

5 Things to Know About Stepparent Adoption

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Stepparent Adoption

Stepparents generally have few or no legal rights or responsibilities when it comes to their stepchildren.  In some cases where a stepparent is the only mother or father the child has known, however, or where the family wishes to make the bond of family “official,” adoption of the child by the stepparent may be possible.  Here are five things to know about stepparent adoption in North Carolina:

1.  A stepparent who adopts agrees to become the legal parent of the spouse’s child, and to assume all the rights and responsibilities that the child’s biological parent would have.  Adoption is for life, even if the adoptive parent and biological parent divorce.

2.  Consent must be given by: (1) the parent who is the stepparent’s spouse; (2) the parent who is not the stepparent’s spouse (if necessary); (3) a guardian of the minor child; and (4) the minor child if 12 or older.

3.  In order to file the petition for stepparent adoption, the child needs to have lived primarily with the stepparent for at least 6 months immediately before filing.

4.  The stepparent who adopts must be legally married to the parent who has legal and physical custody of the child.

5.  The parties in a stepparent adoption may agree to release past due child support payments and attach the agreement to the adoption petition.  Otherwise, even a parent who has consented to adoption by a stepparent, continues to owe any past-due child support.

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Considering the Child’s Preference in Custody Decisions

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Child CustodyWhen children are old enough to have an opinion on such things, many families wonder whether the child’s preference on whether to live with mom or dad can or should play a role in the final decision.  Not surprisingly, the answer depends on the situation.

Situation One:  Everybody Agrees

In practice, joint agreement among the adults involved in the custody matter is the most common way to resolve custody questions.  Thus, if the child and the parents (or other adults involved) are in agreement about where the child should primarily live, then the child’s wishes can be honored.  To the extent that a child can make his or her wishes known and the adults agree, the child can essentially “decide” where to live.  This is not uncommon, since the child may clearly be more bonded with one parent, and the parents may share the understanding that the child needs to live with the more bonded parent.

Ideally, parents know their children the best and are in the best position to make decisions about how to best meet the needs and best interests of their child.  If parents can come to mutual agreement about living arrangements, then they can also be flexible to revisit which home would be best if the child’s needs change as he or she gets older.  So, if the needs of the child begin to shift as the child ages into the teenage years, the adults may be able to go along with the child’s wishes if, for example, he feels that he would be better off living with Dad for a few years.  As long as everyone agrees, the custody arrangement is flexible and the child’s wishes can carry as much weight as the adults give them.

Situation Two:  One Party Disagrees

In contested cases where the parties (and perhaps the child as well) do not agree on how to resolve the custody matter, then the matter will likely be decided by a judge in domestic court.  In North Carolina domestic cases, there is no specific age at which the child’s opinion must or may be considered.  The judge has no obligation to find out the child’s opinion, or honor it once given.  Instead, the judge has discretion to give the child’s wishes as much (or as little) weight as he finds appropriate under the circumstances.  Judges are tasked solely with determining what is in the child’s best interests, not what the parents or the child prefer.

In determining what is in the child’s best interests, judges look at a number of factors, including the parents’ physical and mental health, the provision of affection and stability, sensitivity to the child’s needs, and the nature of communications between the parents.  Since each judge has complete control to weigh and balance a number of factors, it is very difficult to determine whether the judge’s decision will mirror the wishes of the child.  This is true even if the child is 16 or older and expresses a strong preference; unlike many other states, the judge may determine that the child’s best interests are served by completely overriding the teen’s preference.

Although this standard may be harsh in some cases, the reality is that many judges exercise their discretion to consider more thoughtfully the reasonable wishes of a child as he or she gets older.  Judges are certainly smart enough to know that keeping a child in a home where he or she does not want to stay becomes more and more difficult as the child passes 14, 15, or 16 years old.  Therefore many judges give more consideration to a teenager’s wishes when those wishes correspond to the emotional needs and relationship issues of the teenager.  The bottom line is that, in cases where a judge must determine custody, the judge is bound only by the best interests of the child, and will heed the child’s input only to the extent that it illuminates what is in his or her best interests.

Stepparents and Child Support

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Stepparents and Child Support

Lots of parents and stepparents in North Carolina wonder whether the stepparent’s income affects the amount of child support that is owed.  For example, if dad remarries a woman who has quite high income or assets, will it mean that he is obligated to pay more in child support?  If he cannot or does not pay for some reason, can his new wife be required to pay child support on his behalf?

In North Carolina, stepparents have absolutely no duty of support to stepchildren.  The obligation of a stepparent depends on whether the stepparent voluntarily act in loco parentis, which means in the place of a parent.  Someone who is acting in loco parentis “has assumed the status and obligations of a parent without a formal adoption.”  This is reviewed on a case by case basis, and the question is whether the stepparent intended to assume such obligations toward the stepchild(ren) as support and maintenance.

Even if a stepparent has assumed the obligation of paying support, that obligation usually ends if the stepparent and parent get divorced.  A stepparent may sign a notarized agreement to pay child support, and that agreement would be enforceable even after divorcing the child’s parent.  Even then, however, the stepparent’s obligation to support the child would still be secondary to the child’s legal parents.  Courts can only order the stepparent to support the child if the natural parents are unable to provide any support or the needs of the child are greater than the abilities of the natural parents to provide.

Contributions of a third party (stepparent) may be used to support a deviation from the NC Child Support Guidelines.  This generally requires that the parent who receives the child support on behalf of the child has a higher burden to prove the actual expenses of the child and how much contribution is made by the stepparent.  This is quite unusual, but possible.  The bottom line, however, is that as a rule, a stepparent has no obligation to pay support for his or her stepchildren.

New Resources for Coparenting

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Successful CoparentingIf you are raising kids after a divorce, you don’t need to be told that even in the best situations, coparenting can be difficult.  In addition to the kids and two parents involved, there are often step-parents, grandparents, extended family, lawyers, parenting coordinators, mediators, court officials, and teachers who have an interest in how your family functions.  In addition, there are the practical issues that arise from coordinating two households, following a court order, sharing expenses, and keeping up with busy schedules.  Add in the emotional components that each family member brings to the situation, and it can be a very trying way to live at times.  As complicated as all of this can be, thousands of families do it (successfully) every day.  They do their best, because they all share a love for the kids at the center of the coparenting relationship.

There are new resources available today to help parents tackle the practical challenges of sharing their children.  Lots of families utilize Google’s shared calendars, and email and text messaging can help high-conflict parents communicate with less arguing.  Even better for many families, there are now online low-cost subscription services that provide a myriad of tools designed specifically to facilitate coparenting.

I learned about one of these services, KidsOnTime, on Twitter this week.  After perusing their website and brochures, I am excited about the range of tools available for my clients and other divorced coparents.  KidsOnTime costs $10 per month for all parents (and step-parents, grandparents, etc), and the tools available include:

  • Online calendar
  • Parent-to-parent messenger
  • Wellness center, for sharing special memories and getting parenting resources
  • Money manager
  • Digital diary
  • Family essentials, which keeps current medical and other important info in one central place
  • Schoolwork planner.

The creators of this service seem to really understand how coparents need to share information, and having it all centralized in one place can help parents focus more on the kids, rather than the logistics.  And they’re not the only ones.  A quick internet search shows that there are other similar services out there, such as Our Family Wizard.  If you are in a high-conflict coparenting situation or would simply like to keep things more organized and smooth between two households, consider whether one of these services might be worth trying for your family.